My life consists of husband, 4 children, and a bunch of animals.
The one person out of that list who is capable of helping man this house hold ship is not home much. It isn’t because he doesn’t want to be here… He is helping build an up and coming business. And if you have never started or helped start a business, its an enormous amount of work and time. The girl in charge of a house that has an entrepreneur as a husband, better be strong, stubborn and or capable of being by herself for long periods of time with the kids in tow.
I have times thru out my day where I want to scream from frustration, times where I don’t know what to do, moments of chaos that last for thirty seconds but the aftermath fogging the day. Minutes where I am wishing myself into another universe. I have no one to talk to about these times of insanity where I just want to bury my head in a pillow and scream!
I surely can’t admit to my friends that I am incapable of being a mom, teacher, and manager. I can’t go crawling to my families feet and sharing my weakness in this job I have chosen to do. What would they say and what judgment would they pass to me? They are busy with their own happenings and this, this is my own burden to carry. Safe within the walls of my house, and my mind, and who wants to blow up an image of “I can do it all”? Well, I am blowing up my image right now. (If there was one to blow up that you had of me)
And so, I tell the one person who is sharing this kid mess with me. He helped make these kids, he goes to work more then I desire him too, to feed these kids and pay for enormous dental bills that are often caused by the way to much sugar we bought with the hard earned money. I tell him when I am upset. I tell him thru a quiet little beep of the phone known as texting. Or the familiar ring of “you’ve got mail.” Phone calls are becoming increasingly more difficult. I am beganing to feel like he needs a “take a number system” for phone calls! I don’t know why, but I feel better, knowing someone else shares and feels my pain of parenting.
He is my best friend and he asks me to share all of life’s details with him.
Today, I sent him a grievance. He didn’t respond for a few hours. I felt alone. I felt some agitation, he wasn’t there. I felt panic, that there was no one to share what ailed me. I felt he didn’t care, like know one knew how I felt. I was kind of ticked off, standing there in my closet, feeling overheated and overwhelmed.
And then, the Spirit spoke up and said to me, it wasn’t fair to feel that way about my husband. I have been filing my grievances in the wrong department and if I would please take my concerns to my heavenly Father, I would get much better results.
The Holy Spirit was right, (as usual).
I do need to vent to let out the steam that builds inside before I become an exploded mess of “apology needed”. Its natural for me to feel the way I do, but what I haven’t realized until now, is that while my husband cares enormously for me and wants to know about how he can help me, he cannot really understand what I go thru, he can not fix my issues or be at home to clean up the broken glass. In all reality, I was depending on him to put salve on my wounds and make me stronger. I have been barking up the wrong tree, been gold panning in the wrong river and wearing the wrong size shoes.
I have been burdening my husband with things I should have been taking to the Lord.
The Lord understands me perfectly, He knows what goes on, He watches everything and silently listens. And He knows just what color of helmet I need for the day.
This is a revelation, that I may need to revisit more then once in my life. Satan knows that if I forget what the Holy Spirit said to me today, he can use me to weigh down my husband even more then he is already carrying, once again. Bring down the leader he says, and the whole team will collapse!
Being the wife of a man who works long hours starting business isn’t easy. Its not for everyone and it must be carefully balanced or it will destroy your marriage. What he puts into others and work, is what we aren’t getting from him here at home and that means we all sacrifice. His work is not to be belittled, but carefully managed for hopefully just a season of thick, hard. long hour-ed work.
That is the man I married. Creative, non- stop, skilled, talented, and completely opposite of me. I wouldn’t change him if I could. Its a good thing I don’t want too because I can’t. I must follow his lead and I must learn to depend on Christ to meet my needs not my husband. When I learn to do that more consistently, my relationship with my husband will line up where it needs to be.
My first confidant should be Christ.